Hello you,
Thanks for being here. I taught a lovely zoom this morning, if you’re a paid subscriber, you can scroll to the bottom of this post for the link to recording. Other teaching moments I have coming up this month:
LA:
This weekend. November 11 & 12. I’m teaching a 10 hour training on sequencing called The Signature Flow at Archetype Yoga in Pasadena. We have two spots left! Online live/recording options available! INFO HERE.
This weekend we’re opening up two group classes for anyone to join on Saturday and Sunday at Archetype Yoga. 2-3pm PT. Open level classes. I’d love to see some LA friends!!! SIGN UP HERE.
NYC:
Wednesday, November 15 6-7pm I’ll be teaching a Move With Autumn class, in person at Live the Process Studio. It’ll be a practice for grounding, but don’t you worry— there will be plenty of movement, breath work, and space created! JOIN ME.
Saturday, November 18, 10-2pm Sophie Green and I will be hosting a Prenatal Mini-Retreat at Live the Process Studio. The day will include yoga, aromatherapy, talk circle, nutritious lunch, and talks with a nutritionist, pelvic floor PT, and a stylist. PLUS you’ll get a goodie bag with treats from CHIYO, Live the Process, Hatch, 3rd Ritual, 8 Sheep Organic, Agni, Swehl, and more! Great if you’re pregnant, or gift someone who’s pregnant right now! LIMITED SPOTS LEFT.
Sunday, November 19, 10:30-12pm I have my normal Sunday class at Astor and Broadway. This is my dream practice time, length, and the space is a tucked away little cloud. I love this class dearly and will be sad to take some months off after baby, but until then- would love to have you join!!! SIGN UP.
And now, without further ado…
MOVE WITH trust
Lately I’ve been confused by what I see when I catch my reflection in the mirror or see a photograph someone took of me. It’s understandable with the obvious changes going on with my body, but beyond major physical shifts there’s something else I’ve been picking up. Say with the picture above. I look at my face and hardly recognize myself. I’ve been trying to parse through what feels so unrecognizable. Sure vanity has a role, but there’s more. It feels revelatory– like I’m starting to show new sides of myself to the outside world… or perhaps even more accurately, I’m starting to see fuller versions of myself that I haven’t been able to recognize until now.
Trust has never been something that comes easy to me. In some instances this has been useful… giving me a sort of street smart and curbing my naïveté in new situations. But it’s also gotten in the way of how I allow myself to relate to people, always a feeling of having to check my mirrors to make sure I’m safe, and know myself.
It’s been about 1 year and 3 weeks since Ian and I tied the knot. Whether you believe in the institution of marriage or not, publicly declaring your dedication to your partnership and love for your person feels triumphant, and what a great excuse to throw a great party. Plenty of people have asked since the event “so how’s married life?” (I’m also guilty of slinging this statement at friends as well.) It’s a question that feels sort of old, like from a past era. My response is generally “It's great, but sort of the exact same as life was before.” And it truly is in a lot of ways. And yet it also isn’t. I never considered marriage a necessity for dedicated partnership, but in leading up to “the big day” and now a year of being in it– I recognize how transformational it has been for me and my relationship to trust.
Over the course of our partnership Ian has had to deal with my fear of talking in “forever terms.” I’ve always been generally self sufficient. My big relationships in my 20’s were long distance ones, which meant I could avoid having to really coalesce lifestyle with someone else for most of it. Of course, all I wanted was to have a partner that would be around and do boring everyday activities with me. So then I got into a relationship where I was like glue to my partner. We did almost everything together and it was great for a while, until I admitted it wasn’t my match.
And then came Ian. Unexpectedly. We had been friends before we started dating and he knew a great deal about my past relationships before we were ever romantically involved. Early on in our relationship, he had to (multiple times) call me out on my bullshit. My usual tricks to avoid intimacy, to keep one foot ever so slightly out the door, to not have to fully be honest with him or myself. He never made me feel belittled for my shortcomings, but rather held up a mirror to me. He held space for me. And reassured me he wasn’t going anywhere; he was there ready to meet me. Scary stuff! But when I sat with my more shadowy parts, I was gifted the opportunity to re-circuit my system. To choose differently than I had in the past. To trust in this great love I knew was there and wanted to share. Since then, so much of my life has continued to unfold with ease as I refine how I translate what I observe and recognize within myself, and how I choose to then exist and interact with the world.
Pregnancy now feels like the next level of my personal game of life. The stakes are even higher with bringing life into the world. I was in a therapy session called Havening the other day with one of my midwives and through a very simple somatic practice, there was an unleashing of memories and fear and younger self that rushed forward. None of this is new work- the past 8 years of therapy have been revolving around this- yet using touch and steering away from my analytical side opened up a new pathway. Even though I recognized it as impossible, I think when I was first considering, earlier this year, if now was the right time to be pregnant, I had in my head the things I thought would be smart to “figure out” before having a baby. I would have wanted to feel more steady with where I’m at with my career, I would have wanted to create and put out a dance piece, I would have wanted to really feel strong in my resolve of self– of who I am– in order to welcome new life as this strong, powerful source. But if I waited to check all those boxes I’d probably have to wait a few more incarnations on Earth.
I have been letting (like on the ground accepting, not just headspace acknowledging) that parents are allowed to be real people who make mistakes and have to continue self-work alongside helping shape and support another. Again, scary stuff for me!!! But also, goodness it feels good! I feel myself shifting away from my youthful fluttering (think quick moving, sugar glider swinging in the trees, who needs the ground vibe) to having my two feet on the Earth. This process has been happening over the past few years for sure, and now it's all making sense why. My trust is leveling up yet again. Life continues to hand me lessons that offer opportunities for growth and uncovering sides of myself I haven’t been able to see.
So what am I saying with all of this? We all will create a unique map through our lives that hopefully allows space for us to consider, reflect, and adjust course so that we continue to find ourselves. Marriage and this pregnancy are two big milestones for me in ways I would have never expected them to be. And I’m still in process, so understandably more will come up, things will shift and my viewpoints will change. Through it all though, this trust that I’m starting to establish, has given way to a new form of freedom that I hope to continue to hold close. And so dear friends, maybe I can give you a prompt to either ponder or journal or talk out loud about… “I first learned to trust when…”
Off I go, off you go. Happy Wednesday.
xx CK (keep scrolling fro Zoom recording!)
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