These past two months have been funny ones: a mix of travel, family time, the spring equinox, moon cycles, some warm days, some cold ones, bigger life happenings, alongside casual everyday routines, which I suppose I can argue isn’t all too funny of a combo and yet… The humor comes in this melange of feelings I’ve been going through, from extreme contentment to anxious frustration— flip flopping as quickly as the weather these past few weeks. I’ve been trying to lay low and just keep myself focused and grounded, continuing to work and explore as I figure out what I’m moving towards. When I had a session with my therapist the big metaphor that spilled out when we started was, “It’s like I’m in park, but flooring the gas pedal”.
Transitional moments, seasons included, can be like that. Perhaps I put too much pressure on spring, specifically, expecting extra magnificence as we bear crawl out from our curled up winter format. And what I’m noticing about this year and myself, is that I feel extra impatient to welcome and receive the shifts that inevitably come with the change of a season. And things are changing– buds are showing, if not already blooming on all the trees. It's basically full summer heat outside in NYC. This is all great and I recognize that, which makes my fluctuating feelings extra apparent.
I’ve been lucky over the last two months to have a cocoon via my mentorship program to sit with 6 brilliant women who are studying with me. While I’m blessed to lead the sessions and to direct the program format, I am nonetheless in constant awe of the wisdom that these students share with me, illuminating or expanding on concepts and adding perspectives and experiences. I am able to provide some structure and reference material to yoga texts and sources. Yet I find it most reassuring that there is so much crossover between the understanding of life as written thousands of years ago, and how we continue to interpret through discernment, study and dedication today.If given space and time to sit on our own in contemplation, we would most likely come to similar if not the same realizations that have been found over the course of human existence. It’s reassuring to know we don’t have to reinvent the wheel with some new wisdom, even if sometimes in life we trick ourselves into thinking we do.
In mentorship we’ve been diving deep into yoga philosophy– considering and meditating on short verses from the Bhagavad Gita and really trying to sit with their meaning and how we can integrate these profound concepts through applied practice. The following excerpt is from Stephen Mitchell’s translation. Lord Krishna is talking to Arjuna on the battlefield, after Arjuna has pleaded for guidance on what he should do, moments before the battle between his family and his extended family is supposed to take place.
Verses 2.47-48:
You have a right to your actions,
but never to your actions’ fruits.
Act for the action’s sake.
And do not be attached to inaction.
Self-possessed, resolute, act
Without any thought of results,
Open to success or failure.
This equanimity is yoga.
Non-attachment is a keystone in yoga philosophy, and in theory is a big yes from me… but as of late, I’ve been noticing myself holding tight to what I’m doing, creating, making, how its being perceived by others, etc, to the point where I feel frozen (part of why it's been so hard to write this past month). While I do feel like I’ve been in action- working, reading, practicing- I’m also yearning for clarity regarding to what end I’m doing them. How and when will I have a greater understanding of who I am? There’s also added pressure that as I forge this new path of “me” post owning and running SKY TING, that I need to be successful… and quick!!!
And so here I am endeavoring to push forward, to go somewhere, do something, be something, and yet it feels like I’m fully stuck in park unable to shift gears. I’m trying to keep a fire lit underneath me, trying to hold close to some dreams that feel far off and grand, while still having a focused sense of vision and direction for what’s right in front of me. I know this feeling will pass, as I know feelings are great at changing course. But that doesn’t make the going through the experience any easier or less frustrating.
For clarity while I feel like my examples are leaning into career and work identity, these feelings span across personal relationships, building out our home space, and my own creative processes as well.
Later in the Gita, Lord Krishna speaks lengths on the need for our actions to be acts of devotion.
Verses 3.9-11:
The whole world becomes a slave
To its own activity, Arjuna;
If you want to be truly free,
Perform all actions as worship.
The Lord of Creatures formed workshop
Together with mankind, and said:
“By worship you will always be fruitful
And your wishes will be fulfilled.
“By worship you will nourish the gods
And the gods will nourish you in turn;
By nourishing one another
You assure the well-being of all.
I keep looping back in my head around the common through line of mankind’s question across cultures, “who am I and what am I here to do?” How profound is having a spiritual practice and belief system for us? And then I look at where I am right now in this moment of fluctuation around expectations, wants, needs, & dreams and realize how scary it can feel to truly put my trust and faith in something larger than myself. As someone who is big on controlling “the narrative” and feels safest when I’m the grand puppeteer pulling the strings (aren’t we all? but also: illusions!!!), to truly surrender and let go of my grip on what should come of my hard work is terrifying.
Writing this, in my head I’m singing to myself George Michael’s “Faith” which maybe isn’t speaking so directly on faith or devotion to source, but also– maybe it is. I think because of my own pseudo-Christian upbringing (very loose, non-church going household where faith was real, but religious institutions didn’t hold much power), I learned early on from my parents that faith is akin to love and can be shown in a multitude of ways beyond the direct prostrations and prayers. But then it was also hard to sort of be in a limitless space of “anything goes” for trust in source, especially growing up on Guam and having so many friends who had such strong boundaries around faith through Catholicism. So I suppose much of my personal journey has been figuring out my personal rituals to commune with what I define as what is holy. Over my years I’ve had profound moments of deep connection that stop me in my tracks, as well as lovely, almost mundane, moments that remind me of being part of a grander network. As of late, I’m rooting myself back by taking long walks with Remy (my dog) and checking in on the daily growth of blooms around our neighborhood. I’ll tell Ian I love him when I walk by him at his desk, for no reason except to share some sweetness. I’m talking with friends about art making, investing in student’s journeys with yoga, and loosening my grip on movement as language to hopefully get myself out there to have a public dance offering. I’m committing myself to composting! “By nourishing one another, you assure the well-being of all.”
And so I write you while still in process. Of unraveling or re-raveling my own sense of self. Midst the amplified feelings of change with the seasonal transition of Spring. More exploring coming in part 2… stay tuned!!!
love, CK
Happenings
My astrologer and dear friend Jaime Wright and I are back this Monday with another MOON MOMENT, hosted by our favorite Live the Process. Monday, April 17, 6-8pm. SIGN UP HERE!
I will be hosting my open Sunday yoga classes through the end of April. Nice long practice to do all the things, assisted by my mentees— so extra hands on adjustments if you want them! Sundays April 16, 23, 30, 10:30-12pm at The Curative near Astor Place. INFO HERE!
A few spots left on Christopher Golden and my retreat to Zakynthos, Greece. June 10-17. Truly a heavenly place, yet to be bombarded by *Americans.* Would love to have you… LET’S GO!
"And so I write you while still in process. Of unraveling or re-raveling my own sense of self. "
I 120% feel you Chloe! Especially the re-raveling.