MOVE WITH community
on the epic journey that is pregnancy, where I've found support <3
I’m still pregnant, can you believe? Who knows- by the time this is published maybe I’ll be in the throes of labor, but maybe not.
This journey feels like it's lasted 100 years, all while also being 3 seconds. I’m 41 weeks and 2 days and feeling fine and ready. Still, no matter how much I tried to supersede the feeling of a deadline with the “due date”, on March 1 I was overwhelmed by emotions. So many friends checking in, obviously all coming from a place of deep care, felt suffocating. Like the fact that nothing had happened put this whole pregnancy in a vulnerable position. It didn’t. 40 weeks is considered a full gestation period, but babies are born weeks before and weeks after the 40 mark in good health all the time. I myself was born at 45 weeks, though not many healthcare systems would let a mother go that late these days… The 1980’s on Guam was a bit “loose,” I suppose. I was huge (11lbs, 5oz), and after my mother was induced for the second time, I still never dropped into the birth canal, so they moved to a c-section– calling in the local developer’s crane to help lift me out (kidding). All that to say, I was perfectly healthy and fine, perhaps slightly overcooked, skipping the newborn clothing sizes going straight into 3 months+.
So for mom’s who might be approaching due date and feeling pressure whether from internal or external forces, hi and you’re not alone! Don’t be afraid to set boundaries around communication. You’re allowed to center yourself and your needs during this time, which might mean retreating inward or calling out for more support. And I hope for all parties involved there can be understanding in what are the fluctuating needs of a pregnant person: not always sensical, not always consistent, but very strongly felt.
This post is heavily leaning into the pregnancy experience, but I hope everyone– whether you are a parent or not, can glean something useful– even if it's just further awareness of what your pregnant friend might be going through.
Which brings me to the importance of community. It’s nice to be able to do things on your own and feel that sense of control from knowing how and what is going on in your world at any given moment, but it's really not a realistic way to live, and for me with pregnancy, never has a support system been more vital. Approaching this impending labor and delivery has brought this whole “you’re going to be a parent in charge of another living being’s wellbeing for at least the next 18 years of your life” into a very real space. Throughout my pregnancy I’ve been reckoning with this but now is the “oh shit” moment of actually putting this next stage into action. It’s wild and there are times where I feel shocked that human beings have survived this long, and then, of course, I shift into the perspective of the trillions (less? more?) of people over the last hundreds of thousands of years that have figured out how to procreate and raise offspring and how each generation of us brings something new to the table. So how have our ancestors been able to do it? With others!! But nowadays, establishing a community with bonds that feel strong enough to be able to rely and call on for help can be tough. Especially if you’re living in a big city where the grind to survive just as a solo participant is stressful– to then ask a friend to help you with this crazy life transition feels like so much. Maybe you are the first of your close friends to go through this; maybe your family lives far away and can’t easily come stay with you for stretches of time; maybe you’ve always been independent and asking for help is just tough; then what? The act of being pregnant can be isolating enough– having to feel all the feelings of change going through your systems during pregnancy, and then to figure out how to take care of yourself and a new little being while recovering from the major physical transition that is birth… It's a lot.
And so here’s my work-in-progress variation of establishing support that has been helpful through this journey thus far and will hopefully carry into the next stage when the baby is out of the belly!
My family
Obvious, yes, but worthy of the biggest shout. My husband has been my ultimate cheerleader and supporter, and being fully honest, has had to deal with my moments of being a full nonsensical monster alongside finding me sitting on the toilet crying over nothing I can articulate out loud. Having someone close— be it your significant other or highest confidant or whatever— is useful for the moments you just need someone to hold the fullness of you and your experience. Pregnancy is the time to consider who will be with you for delivery and you want to feel safe with that person enough that in front of them you can make all the noises, poop in the middle of pushing a baby out, boss around, etc. Beyond Ian, I feel very lucky to have two very supportive parents who were able to come out and stay with us when Ian went on a work trip– they took care of me and helped me arrange the apartment and do all the menial tasks Ian and I had been avoiding for months. They’ll come back once the baby is here and probably take on similar tasks, all without complaint. Gosh, parenting doesn’t ever really end, does it? And, of course, my sister who as some know has a 6 year old and 3 year old triplets. She’s my mom of the century and has continued to be my sounding board on all things pregnancy. She doesn’t force advice but instead is an incredible listener, even with a household of wildness going off in her background. She’s a superwoman.
My neighborhood cohort
I was lucky enough to have had an old friend, Lucy, move across the street from me when she was 3 months pregnant, and a few weeks later I found out I was too. We met in the first yoga teacher training I did back in 2011, and had stayed in touch peripherally, but now, here we were– side by side and on another crazy transformative journey. Through her I also was reconnected with an old friend from college, Kate, who I’d loosely stayed in touch with via the NY theater and film community, and she was about a month ahead of me and lives nearby. It’s been such a comfort to be reconnected with both of them in this new realm, and I feel so lucky to have gotten to learn from their experiences before going through the different stages of pregnancy myself. And now both of them have their babies, each with a unique labor and postpartum journey and figuring it all out! To be able to share with others that are going through all of it alongside you, people who can be a sounding board when you need to just go off about something, is invaluable. Having even just 1 or 2 friends that are going through the wildness of emotions and energy shifts and body changes at the same time has brought me so much relief. We all continue to check in on each other, with no pressure to respond in any kind of time frame, and it's beautiful. Getting to visit them and their babies is beautiful and makes me so proud and in awe of them. And it gets me excited to have our babes grow up alongside one another… you know I bought the three of them matching outfits already. I cannot wait :)
My Mom/Parent Web
Including myself in a larger community of moms continues to bring insight and laughs at the whole parenthood thing. From nursing questions to toy recommendations to a masseuse that gives an incredible breast massage, the resources and knowledge when you put a group of mom’s together is endless. Plus they’re so willing to hold space and acknowledge what you’re going through, and share experiences so you know you’re not crazy or alone. At the helm for me is my dear friend Sophie who runs Moms Do Yoga– an online platform that hosts yoga classes + check-ins for prenatal and postpartum moms. Beyond her own experiences with motherhood, she inspires me as a guide to so many on this journey, sharing what she knows and pointing you in the right direction for further exploration. I would highly recommend to any pregnant person to find a group where you can be in community, learn tips and tricks and ask questions to people who have gone through this experience. Neighborhood parent groups and prenatal yoga groups have been gems for me!
My Expert Team
Obviously finding a birth team you feel comfortable and safe with is of utmost importance, and I’ve also found great resources in an extended network of support beyond my midwives. I’m planning for a home birth (can give more details on that if it's of interest– leave a note in the comments!), so all my check-ups are with my midwife. They also have organized birth education classes spanning from labor, breastfeeding, postpartum care, and nutrition, which have all been super helpful in helping us feel prepared. I also have a doula who’s role with a home birth is a little different from in hospital, but she’s been a great lifeline for us along the way and will continue to support into postpartum stage. I’ve been with my acupuncturist, Abby Paloma, for 6 or 7 years now, and I’ve seen her consistently throughout pregnancy. I will forever encourage acupuncture for a holistic approach to care, I see Abby as a GP, and through this pregnancy it has been so helpful with a range of things: back aches, a cough that wouldn’t quit, S.I. joint funkiness, and helping my systems find a sense of balance. I’ve had a few appointments with a pelvic floor PT, Dr. Jessica Babich, which I think every pregnant person should consider– for pregnancy, labor and postpartum care. The pelvic floor is part of your “core” and so understanding what you’re working with, having tips for upkeep while the baby grows, and then having a resource for rehab after pregnancy is not talked about enough!!! Beyond that, I’ve been getting massages at Red Moon Wellness in Park Slope with Noriko– she's incredible, book in advance! My friend Sam Castro has recently started giving lymphatic massage (on top of her personal training work– also great throughout pregnancy), which I’ve loved. And to treat myself, I get facials at Carrie Lindsey Beauty with Lara Kaiser & every couple of months get my brows done with either Lara or Jimena Garcia (actual heaven).
My Greater Community
Beyond the mom-specific community, I have to acknowledge the greatness of friends and students and friendly followers who have been so kind and supportive on this journey. I think a lot about the grand shift of becoming a parent and how in so many ways you are letting who you’ve been transform into a new role and identity. I don’t have complete thoughts on this yet as I have barely scratched the surface of the experience, but recognizing that I can still exist as myself (as I know her) in work, in social settings, etc is a good reminder– maybe something to hold on to if at some point in the future I do feel like I’m losing myself in the mix. Also I know my friends’ support once babe arrives will be immeasurable. Whether it's bringing me a croissant (I can’t wait to eat croissants again!), or helping do a round of dishes or laundry for us, I know they will be there to help in the non-glamorous ways we might need in the early days. So my advice for you, don’t be afraid to ask friends for help, they probably want to! Communicating with everyone before delivery I think is smart, so you don’t have to worry about asking for help when you might be in the middle of newborn chaos.
Again… we need our community.
So there you go… There are so many people I’d love to shout out directly because this journey has been epic and so many I’ve crossed paths with have so generously shared support. I cannot wait to eventually step back into teaching and seeing friendly faces again. When it feels right, I’ll write more of this experience with greater awareness. Until then, I send you love and a happy early spring season! See you on the other side :)
xo, CK
Love you, Chloe xx